Hi, I’m marathonpacks. I’ll be filling in for Kevin today, because his chromed-out 1972 eMac is being prodded with metal things by guys with ponytails and Dr. Who t-shirts. I’m tempted to type his Blogger password here ______________ and let everyone come and post whatever they want all day, kind of like letting that dude bang that chick on your parents bed when they were in Lake Tahoe. Well, while I’m sitting here on K’s couch thumbing through the endless 1980s Sports Illustrateds he (creepily) has lying about (really though, dude has a framed picture of Kent Tekulve over his bed), I thought I’d play you some music while you stand there and try not to look me because I haven’t put any clothes on yet this morning. And I’m thinking, what about talking about rap songs about really, really having to take a dump? After you turn around and come back because you realize you forgot your keys, I’ll explain to you that rapping about having to take dumps is actually a long-practiced tradition, finding its progenitor in the form of, um, the first ever rap song, “Rapper’s Delight,” more specifically in the second half of the “going over to your friend’s house to eat” verse:

I’m just sittin here makin myself nauseous
with this ugly food that stinks
so you bust out the door while its still closed
still sick from the food you ate
and then you run to the store for quick relief
from a bottle of kaopectate

And then there was a a bit of a lull in the genre, then a return with a flourish in 1991 with Ice Cube’s “Steady Mobbin,’” with its unforgettable and unnecessarily detailed couplet “Went to mom’s house, dropped a load in the bathroom. Jumped back in the low rider, comin’ out feelin’ ’bout ten pounds lighter.” The very next year, we were treated to what was until this month the coup de grace of rappoo songs, “Looseys” (mp3) from DAS EFX’s stellar 1992 debut Dead Serious. They were essentially a one-trick pony, but it was a great, great trick that combined the best non-sequitor pop-culture references to that point in rap music history, thick, twisty and dark East Coast beats, to make one of the most singular debuts of that year. “Looseys” loops what sounds very much like a Meters or Jimmy Smith organ lick and Drazyz and Skoob wax smelly about, well, you know. The end of the first verse:

I knew I had to hush
when I felt my belly drop and the spot turned to mush
Um, shush shush, I needed me a push
I felt loosey bubblin, trouble in my tush
Then the gush came gushin, rushin, splat!
The juice hit my BVD’s quick like that
Smack, I biggity-broke my ____ from behind
Tried ta shake it, fake it
but yo I couldn’t hide from looseys.

Then another lag for a few years, then Parappa the Rapper in 1999 devoted an entire stage of its (incredibly addictive after certain combinations of inhalants) video game to getting its star into a comfortable position to make with the odorific. Then, just this past month, the latest and perhaps best participant, Cam’ron’s “I.B.S.” sat comfortably down in the middle stall that is 2006 hip-hop, documenting either Cam’s struggle with the titular affliction or something about Joe Camel or something. Somewhere, at some point in the near future, “I.B.S.,” which, when you think about it, is the opposite of “Looseys,” will have to battle with its predecessor for the all-time craprap crown. Trust me, it’s gonna get messy.*

*Kevin, I’m totally sorry.